When we think about the word winning, most of us picture trophies, medals, or being “right” in an argument. But in recovery from substance use, winning takes on a whole different meaning. It’s not about crushing the other person, proving a point, or forcing your way. It’s about learning to choose peace, sobriety, and your long-term well-being over temporary satisfaction.
There’s an old saying about marriage:
“You can win the argument or stay married.”
It reminds us that sometimes we get so focused on proving we’re right, that we lose sight of what really matters. The same is true in addiction recovery. You can “win” the fight, but at what cost? Your peace, your relationships, even your sobriety?
Another saying I love is this:
“Winning can come at a very high cost. The next time you feel the urge to win, ask yourself—am I chasing relief or true satisfaction?”
That question is powerful for anyone working through recovery. Let’s explore what it means.
The High Cost of “Winning”
In recovery, there will be moments when the urge to win feels strong. Maybe someone challenges your progress, doubts your sobriety, or brings up old mistakes. Your instinct might be to fight back—to defend, argue, or prove yourself.
But here’s the truth:
- Winning the fight doesn’t always mean winning in life.
- Arguing can feed stress, which often triggers cravings.
- The “victory” of being right can cost you trust, peace, and progress.
Think about it—how many times has “winning” left you feeling exhausted, angry, or isolated? That’s not the kind of victory recovery is about.
Real-Life Recovery Examples
To bring this closer to home, let’s look at some common situations in recovery:
1. With Family
María, in early recovery, feels judged because her mom keeps bringing up her past mistakes. María wants to “win” the moment by saying, “Stop bringing it up, I’ve changed!” But if she yells back, she risks hurting the relationship and increasing her stress.
A true win would be pausing, taking a breath, and responding calmly. Instead of fueling the fire, she protects her peace.
2. With Friends
Pedro runs into an old friend who offers him a beer. He wants to prove how strong he is by snapping, “I don’t need that anymore. You’re the weak one.” That might feel good in the moment, but it risks alienating a friend and stirring up resentment.
The bigger win? Saying something simple like, “Thanks, but I’m staying sober—it’s important to me.” That answer keeps him safe and confident without burning bridges.
3. With a Partner
Luis’s partner doesn’t trust him when he comes home late. He wants to “win” by proving he’s clean and demanding, “You should believe me!” But this only escalates conflict.
The real victory is to show consistency, patience, and accountability over time. That’s what rebuilds trust.
Relief vs. Satisfaction
One of the biggest lessons in recovery is learning the difference between relief and satisfaction.
- Relief is short-term. It’s snapping back in an argument, numbing feelings with substances, or “proving” yourself. It feels good for a moment but often leaves damage behind.
- Satisfaction is long-term. It’s the peace of choosing not to fight, the pride of staying sober another day, the joy of healthy relationships.
Recovery asks us: Do you want the relief of being right, or the satisfaction of real healing?
A Simple Skill: PRE (Pause, Breathe, Choose)
In groups, I often teach a simple method to handle these moments: PRE—Pause, Breathe, Choose.
- Pause – When you feel triggered, stop for 10 seconds.
- Breathe – Inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, repeat 3 times.
- Choose – Ask yourself: What’s the price if I “win” this? Am I looking for relief or satisfaction?
Think of it like a traffic light:
- Red = Stop.
- Yellow = Think of your options.
- Green = Act with peace and clarity.
This skill may seem small, but it can change everything. Instead of reacting impulsively, you’re making conscious choices that protect your recovery.
Your True Victories in Recovery
Let’s redefine what winning really means when it comes to recovery from substance use:
- Staying sober one more day.
- Walking away from a fight instead of fueling it.
- Choosing peace over proving a point.
- Building back trust with family and friends.
- Sleeping well because you stayed clean.
- Feeling proud of yourself at the end of the day.
These may not look like “wins” to the outside world, but inside recovery, they are everything.
Try This: Your “Victory Phrase”
Sometimes it helps to have a phrase you repeat when you’re tempted to fight or prove yourself. Here are a few you can use—or make your own:
- “My victory is staying sober today.”
- “Peace matters more than being right.”
- “I win when I choose recovery.”
- “True strength is calm.”
Having these words ready gives you an anchor when emotions run high.
Reflection Questions
Here are some questions to ask yourself this week:
- When was the last time I felt the urge to “win” an argument?
- What did I lose in that moment—peace, trust, sobriety?
- How might I handle it differently next time?
- What does true winning mean to me in my recovery journey?
Writing your thoughts down can help you see patterns and stay intentional.
Final Thoughts
Recovery is not about proving yourself to others—it’s about building a life that feels worth living. Every day you choose not to pick up, every time you pause instead of snapping, every time you protect your peace—that is winning.
Remember:
You can win the fight, or you can win your recovery. The choice is yours.
The next time you feel the urge to prove yourself, stop and ask: Am I looking for quick relief, or real satisfaction? Choose satisfaction. Choose peace. Choose recovery.
That is the victory that lasts.
Counseling Carmen 